Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures are defined as "Something one enjoys and considers pleasurable whilst also feeling guilty about enjoying said something." I think that's a little odd. If people consider something enjoyable and pleasurable, why feel bad about it? Unless you're a homicidal maniac... in which case guilt probably isn't an issue for you anyway.

 My top 5 guilty pleasures are as follows;

1. Breakfast for 1 - I love having breakfast by myself on my days off. I'm not talking household cereal, I'm talking about lovely lavish breakfasts in cafes whilst sipping on hot chocolate and basking in my own company. Not exactly cost effective on our budget, but amazing.


2. Reading blogs about celebrity babies - Yep. This is an embarrassing one! I love love love reading about celebrity babies. Every day I log onto the blogs and check out the details about the newest arrival and the expanding bumps of my favourite celebs. At least I'm contributing to slowing global warming... right? It's electronic.. I'm saving trees.


3. Dancing and singing around my house or in my car when I'm alone - Is there anything better than blaring the music and dancing around while belting out the lyrics to your favourite song? Nope! Not in my opinion. I love it! I put on my socks and do my best risky business moves. I sing so loud my voice hurts and if people ever saw me do this, I'd die of embarrassment. It is however a great stress relief.


4. Watching Couples Retreat - This move is my go to movie when I'm upset, sick or stressed. I don't really know exactly what I like about it, I just instantly feel better when I watch it.


5. Reading trashy romantic comedy novels - There is something about ridiculous love stories in really far fetched settings that makes me really happy. When the most incompatible people fall in love with each other over their mutual love of dancing elephants... It doesn't get much better then that. My latest book involved a poor woman and a rich man who was a womaniser and suddenly turned his life around to be with her... Needless to say it ended in them divorcing and him running back to his ex girlfriend. I loved it!

I think it's important to do the things that make you happy, regardless of how silly they may seem. Life's too short to worry about the little things. 

Growing up stinks!

As a child, I thought that I would grow up to be either a Hairdresser, a Singer or a Teacher.  I wanted to help people, I didn't think to much about how I would help them, just that it's what I wanted to do for a job.

As it turns out, I didn't end up doing any of those things. Straight out of school I enrolled in Teaching, but I got disheartened when people told me that it was a rubbish career that involved long hours and unfair pay. Bottom line, I was told that I'd regret my decision and hate my job.

Being my stubborn self, I decided that I was going to do it anyway and they were right. I hated it before I'd even finished a semester. I hated that I was supposed to learn about the difference between the words Modernism and modernism, I hated the fact that I felt bored in most of my classes. I hated everything, except the social science and psychology subjects. So I quit.

I changed to Human Service and then again to Nursing. I didn't get more then 2 subject through before I quit all together. I was young, I didn't know what I wanted. All I knew was that I wasn't going to waste 4 years studying and paying for a degree that landed me in a career I didn't want. So I got a job.

5 years later I'm still working for the same company. I'm 23 years old and I'm stuck in a job that I like, but I'm not doing the 1 thing I wanted to do with my life - help people.

I've tried to find happiness and fulfilment in my current job and the fact that it provides me with both financial and social rewards. I've tried to convince myself that the passion I think I'll find by changing paths is only an assumption. I've tried to rationalise everything and make it a logical decision, but I'm not sure I trust myself to be true to myself.

Truth be told, I've felt a bit lost for the past few years. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew that I needed to make a decision soon or it would be too late. It took a metal breakdown, depression and string of personal circumstances/experiences to get me to a place where I could say - I want to be a Psychologist.

So now I'm at a cross roads. Do I stick with the job I've currently got, apply for a Full time position and be happy with the fact that it pays well, it's got great benefits and it'll provide me with the opportunity to build my dream home, have my much wanted baby and live rather comfortably or do I stay part-time and throw myself into study and become a Psychologist?

That's all well and good though isn't it, knowing what I want. But what about when my ability to make decisions no longer relies on my thoughts and actions, but the thoughts of my husband as well? How do I try and find a middle ground when I know that I won't be happy unless I do what I want?

I'm really lucky to be where I am, I know that.

I also know that at some point I need to make the decision to either stay where I am and settle down, or to throw caution to the wind and convince my husband to either jump into the next few hectic years with me or to let me do it on my own. I've only got 6 months to make a decision. I can't keep running from this and pretending I'll deal with it later.

When did life become so complicated?

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Why don't you drink?

This is probably the question that I get asked the most.

I have never had a glass of wine, a shot or a beer. I've tasted it before, but I've never had a standard drink. 

A lot of people simply can't understand why I don't consume alcohol and even when I try and use stock standard answers about health, the taste and lack of interest, it still doesn't sink in. 

That being said, I'm not sure that I've ever told anyone the actual reason before.

I don't drink because I firmly and honestly believe that I would become an alcoholic.

Well, now that it's been written I guess I should probably explain it.

Alcoholism runs in my family. A number of relatives have used alcohol to cope with depression and it has done anything but assist them. I have watched the decline in a close relative as she dealt with issues very similar to my own. I've also heard stories about family members that were the victims of alcohol related abuse. Nothing good has come from alcohol consumption. If I can't have fun without the assistance of alcohol, then I'm obviously not socialising with the right people.

It's a life choice I have made and not one that I have any interest in changing my mind about.

It seems like such a trivial thing to some people, but alcohol can ruin lives. You don't think about that when you have a beer with some mates, but for some people it's a form of self medicating that leads them to do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. 

I think about it often. When people say that it helps them relax and escape, I think about my choice. But I ultimately come back to the same thought.

I want more for myself, my family and my life. I don't want to take the risk because it's not worth it.

So there it is. The truth about my sobriety.

Friendship Disconnect

I'm the kind of person that tries really hard for a time and then if I have no success, I quit. This really applies to a lot of aspects of my life and I often use it as a justification for my limited achievements.

Here is my current issue - How am I supposed to be involved in the lives of people that don't ever invite me into them?

I constantly make myself available, willing and able to assist people at their convenience, but I can't help but wonder where to draw the line between feeling used and accepting that it's simply the kind of relationship I have with this person. Is there a line or am I just trying to find one?

The majority of my life is spent trying to please everyone else, it's full of compromise to other peoples benefit and very few true two-way friendships. It's usually their way or the highway.

A large number of people in my life are only interested in participating in things that benefit them. I hate making plans and having them cancelled on my last minute because the other person doesn't "feel like it" anymore. I'm sorry, but what about me? What about the fact that I was looking forward to this? Why don't I matter? I have friends that do this to me all the time. Everyone has the right to cancel plans, but surely there must be a "3 strikes and you're out" type of rule.

Don't get me wrong, more then a few times I've wanted to opt out of doing things but most times I go through with them anyway because I know that it means something or is important to the other person. Is it really so awful of me to expect that people respect me in the same way?

There are also the people that always want to know about you but never share anything about themselves. If you're upset they want to know the ins and outs, but when they are upset the most you get is a "it'll be fine". It's a little hard to feel anything but annoyed when this happens. How can you take their interest in your issues as anything more then curiosity when they refuse to open up to you in the same way? I feel like they don't trust me and I instantly feel foolish for thinking we were close.

I guess I'm just really struggling with most of the friendships in my life at the moment. I'm so over trying and I just want to quit.

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Really? Is this a thing?

There are very few things in life that are as strange as seeing the words "Hey bitch, how are you?" appear on your phone from an unknown number. 

Well, I was doing a lot better before you called me a bitch, stranger. 

Is this a thing now? Calling each other swear words as a friendly way to communicate? When did our language get so messed up?

If I sent this kind of message to one of my friends, I don't think I'd get a pleasant  reply. If anything I'm sure I'd get a "umm, is this actually Steph?" Or a "what the? Why are you calling me that" rather than a "fine thanks, how are you?" 

When did it become acceptable to be calling each other such a derogatory word? I love the women in my life. They are my friends, my support, my lifelines, and when I need it most my shoulders to cry on. But they are never going to be my bitches, my whores or my hoes.

I respect theses women and I can't understand flipping the word and using it as a term of endearment. No matter what feminist propaganda is thrown at me, I refuse to "reclaim" the word. You wouldn't let a man get away with it, so why should you let a women get away with it? How can you fight for equal rights while you create a double standard?

In an age of social media, at what point do you draw the line and decide that enough is enough? We already needlessly shorten words and avoid proper use of grammar. Shouldn't that be enough? Do we really need to blur the line between polite and impolite? 

The unspoken word is already difficult to interpret sometimes. It's hard to know what emotion the text is supposed to portray without hearing it. If there is more than one way to take something people always manage to take it the worst way. Why make it harder to communicate with each other?

Blanket rule - If you wouldn't say it to your mum, you shouldn't say it to anyone!

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Finding the positive

A few posts ago I talked about infertility and the fact that I had a story about my own journey to parenthood that I was unwilling to share at this time. While I'm still not keen on sharing, I would like to write about the positive impact that infertility has had on my life. Who knew that the words infertility and positive could ever be used in the same sentence? But, for me they can.

The biggest positive has been the strengthening of my relationship with my husband. Don't get me wrong he still gets on my nerves from time to time, but during this whole experience I've learnt that his love for me is deep and sincere, he loves me with all that he has and I know that no matter what happens in our life together he'll always be my biggest support and protector. There were times that I thought he would leave, there were times that I asked him to, but here we are standing tall and fighting together. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. There is no doubt in my mind that I have married the perfect partner in life and my best friend.

Another positive has been the time we've had to wait. We started trying when I was very young and whilst it didn't feel like a big deal at the time, I feel that I'm in a much better place now, because I have grown and become such a different person because of this experience. I'm more mentally and physically prepared and ready for parenthood at this point in my life then I have been previously. I think I would have been a good parent back then, but I know I'll be a better parent now.

When I think about the ways that infertility has affected my life, I can't help but feel that maybe things truly only happen when they are supposed to. Through the whole journey, I've not only grown and changed as a person but I've learnt a lot about myself.

The following poem gives me hope and sums up mostly how I feel; 

Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, a friend and sister because I have known this pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have fought through the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,

I listen,

because even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learnt the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learnt a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learnt to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful person.

 - unknown.

Now I know that this poem might initially offend some people, but it's not in any way meant to invalidate the love of people who conceived their children easily. It's one of those things that can't be explained even when you've experienced it. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I feel it though. 
The whole point of this post is to highlight that with every negative experience, it's possible to find a silver lining if you're willing to look for it.

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Happiness

How many times have you heard someone say "Am I ever going to be happy"? I hear it all the time. I wish I could slap these people and tell them to wake up to themselves.

For a really long time I thought that happiness was something that I could obtain. Something that I could aim for and through a series of fortunate circumstances I could claim as a reward. I fell into a deep depression because I based all my worth on what I couldn't do instead of what I could do and who I was.

I was wrong.  Happiness is a choice, not a reward. 

For me, Happiness is derived from a number of things but they all start with me. I'm my own happiness. 

I believe that we all create our own happiness, we choose to be happy or we we choose not to be. We can either see the positive and be happy with what we have, or we can choose to be negative and mourn what we don't. We can live in fear, or we can live for the moment. This is still something I'm working on, but something I'm already finding beneficial in my life. 

I've decided to accept that there are many things outside of my control and that rather then fight them, I'm going to give in and go with the flow. Why should I waste my time fighting in a battle I'm never going to win? I'm wearing myself down for no reason. Resistance is futile. Life is life and the future is uncertain. I believe that I can either enjoy the ride or I can fight it but either way I'm going to end up at the same destination. It's hard to let go. 

I choose to forgive myself. It's been really hard for me to be kind to myself. I'm not perfect but nor is anyone else. I'm not always going to live up to expectations and I'm not always going to be able to achieve what I want to. It's ok. I'm proud of the journey I'm on. I believe that anyone (including myself) that makes a mistake, deserves to be forgiven. I will always forgive and forget instead of harbour resentment towards them. Holding on to negativity is of no benefit to anyone. That's not to say that I don't get angry. I most certainly do. I just choose to feel what I need to feel for a short time and then let it go.

In my life, I'm most passionate about the way I treat others. I often treat myself badly, but I make a real effort to ensure that I treat other people with love and respect. No one is any less worthy then anyone else. Everyone has intrinsic worth, in other words, you are worthy of love and respect because you simply exist. If people make you feel unworthy or small, it is a fault of theirs not of yours. I believe that everyone can be great if given the chance. I choose to see the positive, it's there even if you don't believe it. I believe that it doesn't matter where you come from or how you got to where you are, the past is the past but the future is all yours. You can't rely on other people to make you happy, but that doesn't mean that you have to associate with people who just want to tear you down. Be the change you want to see in the world.

I used to think that success was happiness. If I had a beautiful house, a fancy car and a decent savings account, I could do anything I wanted and enjoy my life. I focused on this for years and never felt satisfied with what I had. It was never good enough because someone always had better things. I wanted more.

I was a fool.

I realised that my fancy house and fancy car wouldn't ever make me a good person. I realised that at the end of my life, I wanted people to remember me for meaningful things, not for material things. Who wants someone to get up and say "She was a nice person, she had a fabulous house and never wanted for anything. She was a success and even though she worked hard, she had a good life. She will be missed" errr... no thanks! I want people to remember me as someone that was "Such a kind and beautiful person, she was loving and positive person who always made us feel valued and important. She was always the life of the party but also someone we knew we could lean on. She was there for us during both the good and bad times and will be very deeply missed." I know it's weird to think that way, but it was the best way to explain how I put my life into perspective. I want a meaningful life.

I may not be rich in money, but I genuinely feel rich in other aspects of my life. I feel incredibly lucky to be the person I am. I can't say it's always easy to be me, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Am I happy? Yes, because I know i'm a good person. I haven't always been, but I will be for the rest of my life. People make mistakes and I've made some big ones. I know better now and I will continue to grow and I will continue to be the best person I can be for the remainder of my life.

You can't change what the actions or words of other people. But you can change the way you react to it and the choices you make as a result.

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When does inspiration cross the line?

The internet is a hub of activity with an infinite amount of sites dedicated to an extensive range of different topics. When we use it to search for inspiration, we're bound to get a few obscure sites pop up.

This morning I typed in "Weight Inspiration" into google and I was greeted with 3 options to peruse. Thinspiration, Fitspiration and Fatspiration. I decided to look at all 3, but I don't think I was ready for information they each contained.

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Thinspiration or Thispro, is a term dedicated primarily to eating disorders. Sadly, it's not inspiration for recovery, it's full of people giving each other advice on how to hide their disorders, how to convince their bodies that they aren't hungry, how to beat hunger pain and also thousands of pictures of frail and sick bodies asking for critique on which areas they need to "work on".  What's even more disturbing about these sites are the people who sit on the other side of their screens and support these poor girls. People who take it very seriously and have little to no issue encouraging this behaviour.

It's easy to sit here and label these sites as being inappropriate, but if we're honest, we know it's not right. We have the medical field on our side and we have knowledge that eating disorders are dangerous and sometimes deadly.

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Fitsiration or Fitspo is the middle of the road. It's a term dedicated to getting fit and healthy. It can blur the lines with people placing an excessive and unrealistic amount of pressure on themselves to achieve results. It is however full of information, inspiration and encouragement to lead a healthy life with exercise and healthy/clean eating. It's not without it's faults, but it's to be a much more positive topic with the majority of people offering advice and support to each other.

Again, it's easy to sit here and say that it's a somewhat positive term when I haven't read through all the related sites. It's unrealistic for me to read everything and I'm sure there are some aspects that take training or work outs too far but at face value it seems to be ok.

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Fatspiration or Fatspo is a term dedicated to promoting fat acceptance. These sites promote beauty at any size and while they appear to be positive and inspirational, I find it hard to get my head around the fact that there is a lot of encouragement for people that are very overweight. Some of the people on these sites are dangerously overweight and appear to use "beauty at any size" as a motto to justify their inability to shift it. I'm overweight and even though I read some things that made me think "Yeah! Stick it to the skinnys!" most of it made me feel sorry for these girls. I think when you read between the lines, it's hiding a much bigger problem under the umbrella of self acceptance. The advocates say that they are trying to reclaim the word Fat and turn it into a positive as a way to counteract those who have used it against them as an insult. I believe that everyone has the right to feel beautiful, but emphasising obesity doesn't seem to be a constructive way of achieving it.

All of these terms have their dangers and all have their good and bad sides, but they all come back to one thing - body image. They focus on how much or how little fat we have on them and they blur the lines between healthy choices and health obsession. The fact of the matter is, weight is only one of may things that define who you are. If you don't like yourself, you're never going to be happy with the way you look. It all goes hand in hand.

Why don't I like you?

Have you ever found yourself meeting a new person for the first time, and suddenly feeling uncomfortable because whilst their happy voice says "nice to meet you" their eyes are full of disgust?

I Have. Yet it's also safe to say that I have the same tendency to automatically dislike people after about 3 minutes of interacting with them. It's not that I don't give them a chance, it's just this instant feeling of dislike.

Now here comes the creepy part... I'm not usually wrong! Most times I've had this happen it's ended in me genuinely disliking the person. 

This leads me to wonder, how important are first impressions? and should you invest time and effort into perusing a friendship with someone you know "isn't for you"?

I've never heard of people disliking each other, suddenly finding a common spark and then basing a friendship off it. Does this happen? Can a person you dislike really become a good friend? Or is there always going to be an underlying issue because of the initial negative judgement?

Studies show that there are a few very simple things that can make a person have second thoughts about you, these include;

Not opening your eyes wide enough - Yep! It's a thing. People who have squinty eyes can appear disinterested, boring and unapproachable. Who wants to talk to someone of they look like they should be in the toilet?

The way you dress - Jeans, T-shirts and Joggers are a casual outfit that suit most informal situations, right? Well, apparently not. Casual dressing is for people who already know you but when you're in a situation where you're meeting new people, you need to bring your A game. If you look messy, people are going to think you're messed up. We've all got "that friend" and very few of us are looking for another one.

Being nice - More often than not, nice translates to fake. If you're swanning around laughing and giggling with a huge smile on your face - people are going to think you're hiding something. When you're "too nice", people tend to think you either have ulterior motives or that your unrealistic happiness is instantly making them look bad by comparison. If people think that you think you are better then them, it's not going to end well.

So, you can't look tired, you can't wear comfy clothes and you can't be nice - what can you do? Do people really care about this stuff? It all seems a little bit ridiculous. 

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to explain why I think or do the things I do, but I know that no matter what my first impression of someone is, I'm always going to give them a chance to change it. It's not about them having to prove themselves, it's about me learning to be a better person. 

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Negativity.

Today I had the opportunity to sit down with my co-workers and speak with them about negativity in the workplace and their thoughts and feelings about it's contribution to morale.

I didn't expect it to come up in conversation, but they wanted to know how I cope with it and how I manage to remain positive and helpful, without ever snapping or rolling my eyes at anyone.

Initially I said it was because I only had to work 3 days a week. But that's not true. Whilst at work I live by the saying "You can't control what others do or say, just the way you react as a result".

Just generally, I try and be diplomatic, empathetic & patient. I'm often told I have the patience of a saint. But why? Why do I choose to be polite and kind? Why don't I snap back when people are rude to me? It really just comes back to one word - Respect.

I firmly believe that all people have intrinsic worth. People can teach you things that you were unaware that you needed to learn. Everyone has a story to tell and every one feels differently about things.  I'd like to think that people are good, even if the words they say are not.

I respect people because they are people. Simple as that! I don't think people are "dumb" or "stupid" but rather Unsupported, ill-trained or simply uneducated. That doesn't mean that they can't improve, it just means that they haven't had opportunities provided to them that other people have.

I don't mind being asked questions, even when the same people ask the same questions every day, because I believe people learn in different ways and that these same people don't ask to be annoying, but ask because they don't feel confident, they feel overwhelmed or simply because they are having "one of those days" so how can I feel frustrated by that? That's silly.

So what am I getting at here?

I guess what I'm saying is that negativity is something you can either welcome into your life, or something you can accept but deflect. Why choose to be unhappy? Why choose to let other peoples negativity consume you? You just have to respect their right to feel negative, but also continue to feel the way you want to feel - who wants to feel negative if they can choose to feel positive?

I'd like to say this carries over into my personal life, but it doesn't. I choose not to accept negativity from others, but I am my own biggest critic. I really wish I could take my own advice when it comes to dealing with myself!

Now, lets lighten this up a little. How fab do I look in this dress!? Ok, so you can only see from the waist down, but still. My first ever online clothing purchase! Fits perfectly and I'm so excited to wear it to my beautiful friends engagement party in a few weeks.

Fitness update. This week i've learnt that I'm so not a morning person! Photo opportunities at 6am are not a good idea and very far from flattering. But I'm up and I'm trying. 1 week and going strong! If only I could kerb my eating habits a bit more... Next week is a new week though. A new chance to try and another chance to try and make a change.

Infertility

I have to admit that over the past few months, I've been amazed at just how many people are opening up and sharing their stories about Infertility. It's one of those things that's just been kept quiet for so long and largely acknowledged as something that should be considered personal and consequently kept quiet.

I'm really proud of the ladies that are throwing that idea out and opening up to share a raw and difficult truth. It's particularly impressive because it provides hope and support to countless women and couples out there that are currently on the same journey. The Fertility Society of Australia have released statistics that show that 1 of every 6 couples in Australia are affected by Infertility. With a population of over 22 million, that's equates a considerably large number. Support is something that should be embraced and encouraged. It's hard. The whole journey is hard. But no one talks to each other about it.

I try and share our infertility journey with my family and friends pretty openly, but still, a lot of those people don't know what to do or say when the conversation comes up. I've noticed that if I post something on social media about being upset, very few will speak to me directly. I usually just get questioned by my mother or sister a few days later because someone has asked them if I'm ok. Yet if I post something about fitness, I get a bunch of likes and a number of supportive "Good on you" type comments.

In my personal experience, I get frustrated easily with my friends and family when they make comments like "enough already" or "I get it, it sucks". It's almost like they think that I talk about it because I like to hear the sound of my voice. I'm very aware that I can often seem like a broken record, but it's because I'm hurting and I need to get it out. Sometimes I need to say that same thing 20 different ways to convince myself that it's ok to feel what I'm feeling. There are A LOT of feelings that make their way through my head, and sometimes I need to know that I'm not crazy and that it's normal to feel the way I do.

You're not going to see my story up here any time soon. I can openly admit that I'm not even close to ready to share it. I don't think I could even write it let alone post it online for people to potentially see. One day I will, but todays not that day.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

Scott Adams & I could probably have some wonderful conversations about life.

I find myself constantly trying to learn more about people and they way they think. I think it's really important to try and be diplomatic when it comes to issues that are important to the people in my life.

I'm not saying that I don't make my opinions known, because those that know me also know that I have no issue with that at all. I just think that there is both a respectful and a disrespectful way of going about it.

This morning I had a very one sided discussion with a "friend". About 10 minutes in it became apparent that she'd decided to adopt ignorance as a view point. There is nothing more frustrating then people who passionately argue a point without having any real knowledge of it.

The only thing I hate more then ignorance is peoples inability to respect each other. Why do discussions always end with 1 person berating the other for not sharing the same view point? Passion is a wonderful thing, but I can't understand why people use it to make others feel bad. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, Sometimes it's just 2 ways of seeing the same thing. I don't understand whats so wrong with that.

 

This particular Dilbert cartoon pretty much shows exactly how I felt about about my discussion this morning. No matter what I said, it was all met with an inability to see past her point of view. I could have said anything I wanted and it still wouldn't have made a difference.

This is all my opinion and of course I'm aware that people may disagree. There are always going to be two extremes and a struggle to find an acceptable shade of grey.

Smashed it!

This afternoon Phil & I embarked on a mysterious journey across our suburb. We didn't know where we were going or how long it would take, but we knew we had to try.

Ok, well clearly I'm not going to be winning any literary competitions, but in all seriousness - today was a really awesome achievement for me.

At about 4:30pm I decided to go for a walk to the 7-11 down the road and around the corner. I asked Phil if he wanted anything and he said that he'd accompany me on the walk and suss it out. So we left the house and decided to make a decent walk of it. 1 hour, 4 Minutes and 37 seconds and 4.2km's later we returned home with Noodles for dinner, 2 bottles of water and a mars bar.

So there we have it. For someone that hasn't attempted any serious form of exercise in about 3 months, I think they are pretty good stats. I also decided to weigh myself tonight and after a single week of healthy eating & exercise I've already lost exactly 1 kg.

I'm going swimming tomorrow to rest my poor feet. I didn't put the arch supports in my shoes before we left and now I regret that decision. My heels are really painful!

Fun fact: lack of proper support causes the fibrous tissue is the arches of the feet to tear as they are unable to stretch. Due to the way the tissue tears, arch pain is felt primarily in the centre of the heel instead of under the arch itself.

Yeah, ok. It wasn't really a fun fact but now you know. If you've got very high or relatively low arches and feel some heel pain after walking long distance, supports might be something worth looking into.

Below is a photo of when Phil & I left - with our tough faces on. Tough doesn't work for me, I just get the giggles and it translates to a terrible photo. The little map is how far we walked, it doesn't look like much but 4.2km is a long way when you've previously only walked from your fridge to your lounge.

The sun was beautiful and warm today. I love how the sun makes everything look alive in the winter. It makes you glad to be alive. I'm trying to find the positive in everything in an attempt to change my thinking, but this view truly made me happy.

Be quiet brain, you're being ridiculous

The thoughts that pass through my mind often astound me. I regularly find myself wondering how on earth I  manage to even start to conjure up half the rubbish that runs through my mind.

I'm a irrational rational person. I'm rational in irrational circumstances. I constantly plan and think about the what if's and what about's, but rarely consider what is. I don't deal with the here and now, I try and get the upper hand on the future.

So how do you try and will yourself to change? Is it even possible?

It's so easy to talk myself around my thought process, but really hard to make it stick. I've told myself that the future is far to unpredictable, that no matter how much I plan for what I think will happen, it's only really one possible outcome of infinite possibilities.

As a consequence of this though process, I've thought about fear. Fear is ultimately certainty of the unknown. If you knew exactly what was going to happen, could you really say you were scared?

My top 5 fears are the following;

1. Baby Brown Snakes - Baby Brown Snakes have enough venom to kill 20 adults in a single bite. They are incredibly small and unpredictable due to fact they are juvenile. In the even that you get bitten you've got approximately 15 minutes to receive anti-venom treatment until the venom in your blood becomes lethal. Terrifying doesn't even begin to describe these little critters.
   


2. Automatic Car Washes - If anyone ever asks you what's so bad about large rollers running from your bonnet, over the windshield, across the roof and down the boot, you can ask them the following; What happens in the event that there is an error and the roller smashes your windscreen or decides to place pressure on your roof? You can't exit the car because you're trapped. You can't drive forward because you risk more damage and your wheels are locked by the machine. So the industrial strength cleaner is rushing in with hundreds of litres of water, and there is no way to escape. No thanks!


3. Pregnancy - This is a new one for me. It was kind of a realisation that came over me a few weeks ago. I read an article about women who have major complications after childbirth that are potentially lethal. Hmm.. I thought death via childbirth was something that happened in the 18th century, not in the 21st! But upon further research, there is a really extensive list of birth related complications that endanger the lives of thousands of women around the world every day. Birth aside, the fear of loss of a child is something that I would never ever want to experience. In the past month alone I've heard of two perfectly healthy women who have had their babies hearts stop beating in the 5/6 month of pregnancy and who have had to deliver their babies stillborn as a result. I've listened to a story of a lady who delivered her baby stillborn after it passed away during delivery. It would be easy to say that these are worst case scenario, but it's still something that I've considered. How do you put those risks aside and just go for it any way? How do you just hope that everything will be ok?


4. Heights - I think this is self explanatory. What if I fall?


5. Death via Terminal Illness or Serious Medical Issues - Stroke, Heart Attack, Hemorrhage & Cancer are the top 4 things that come to my mind when I think about this. They happen to people every day without warning. It doesn't get much scarier then these 4!

So this was a bit of a morbid post... Maybe I'm just having one of those days. I really wish I could turn my thought process off sometimes. Why do I worry about these things? In the unlikely event that any of these things cross my path, is there really anything I could do about them anyway? Pretty sure the answer is no!

Weigh-to-go Steph!

I'm sitting at home watching TV and feeling a little disappointed in myself.  About 3 months ago I had a "click" moment - A moment when I thought that one of the biggest issues in my life, just sort of seemed to make sense. Of course, It's not good enough just to think about these things, you actually have to put a plan into action.

Queue dramatic music.

After some health scares, I thought that I was ready to tackle my weight issue - my weight struggle. Unfortunately, during the 3 months i've basically fluctuated between a 8kg loss and my starting weight. I haven't put on any more weight which I guess is a small victory, however it's not one I feel proud of.

How do people find the motivation? Sometimes I feel really inspired and just wanna get out there and do it. Get out there an run or jump or skip. Most times I just feel tired.

If I had someone pulling me out of bed every morning and yelling at me when I looked at unhealthy options, I could probably lose the weight. I just couldn't let them ever go home again. I'd also be in a crap mood for the remainder of my life - who wants to have some arrogant arse following them around telling them not to put food in their mouthes and to give them 20? No-one!

Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to try again. 

If in 6 months time I'm not at least 10kgs lighter, please feel free to rip me a new one. I give you permission - You may want to print this as evidence... I'm not beyond deleting this post and pretending it never happened.

Here are some photos to kick start the new motivation - something to keep me accountable. 

  

    

It's funny how your view in the mirror often differs from that of a camera. These photos are taken from above, so I expected them to be a bit out (watch me explain my way out of this one) -  the "front" of the image is the top of me, making it seem bigger because its "closer" and the "middle" of the image is my bottom half and thus appear smaller as it "further away" then the top half - Schooled! Sort of...

But honestly, It's out right scary! These photos make me feel like an elephant in a way that only the Target changing room mirrors previously could!

I'll keep you posted, I have quite a weigh-to-go yet.

A video about nothing.

This afternoon I decided to jump on board to the video train and jump of at awkward station.

Lesson learnt. Never make a video about nothing! Putting yourself in-front of a camera is not enough, winging it doesn't work and if anything, it just ends up a little bit silly. What are mistakes good for if not looking back on them and laughing.

So here is my mistake...

I've watched this over and over and I still have no idea what I was trying to accomplish.

Thanks for watching my video! I know it's a few minutes of your life you'll never get back, but I hope it gave you a giggle.