Sick and Tired

This morning I got up and noticed that something wasn't quite right when I walked up to the mirror. My eyes were incredibly red and watery, I tried to stop them but they just wouldn't clear up. I decided to ignore it and get dressed for work. Eventually they eased up a little and I just got on with it.

I was dropped at work and walked through the door, the first person to see me instantly asked if I was feeling ok. The answer was No. No I wasn't feeling ok. I felt like death warmed up. So after a solid 28 minutes I left. I arrived home to a overwhelming urge to throw up and then it began!

So today I've spend the entire day napping, drinking water and attempting to recover from whatever it is that has decided to infect me like the plague. Not exactly how I intended on spending my day. Yuck Yuck Yuck!

As a way of coping with my awful day, I decided to build towers with blocks. It sounds weird but I find it therapeutic. Building towers is a great way to distract myself and get my mind off my thoughts and feelings, instead I think about what I'm building and very quickly my frustration levels lower and I feel better.

These are some of today's creations;

 

Building blocks are not just for kids.

Sickness aside, I feel incredibly tired. I feel run down and burnt out.

On a positive note, tomorrow is Friday which means I'm 1 day away from 4 days off! I have my nephew sleeping over and a family BBQ on Saturday and on Monday I have a date with my friend. It's my turn to plan our activities for Monday so I'm really excited! Ice Skating, Picnic in the park or Gold Class? Decision decisions.

I disagree

There is nothing worse then when you speak to someone and every word that comes out of their mouth makes you wonder how on earth they are still standing. Why hasn't someone slapped some sense into them? How on earth do they function?

It happens. Well, in my life it does.

I need to make it clear that I don't dislike these people. I simply disagree with them. They are generally the kind of people that push you for your opinion when they know you'll disagree and then find every possible way to 'educate' you and convince you that you are incorrect. They also tend to tell you that you have no right having an opinion on things you haven't directly experienced. It's infuriating.

Most recently I've dealt with a particular friend that has very strong parenting view. This normally doesn't bother me to much but she's taken things a little far now. I'm constantly asked my opinion on things, only to have things like "you're not a mother, you couldn't understand" or "you'll change your mind when your a parent" thrown in my face. I don't care about parenting views, I don't like to get involved with what people choose to do with their children and the choices they make as parents. But when someone asks my opinion, I'm going to tell them the truth. Why ask if you don't want the answer? I'm telling you what I think right here, right now. You know I don't have a child, so if you don't value the opinion of non-parents then why the hell are you pushing me to tell you what I think?

I've also found that a number of friends and I interpret things very differently. We'll read articles and I'll think one thing and they'll think another. More often then not our thoughts jump to completely different ends of the spectrum. Some people just jump on things and roll with them, no objective thinking at all. That bugs me. Why is it that people assume the worst in everything? If there are 3 ways of taking something, it seems most people choose the most offensive way.

That being said, I've never felt overwhelmingly compelled to advocate for anything. I'm the kind of person that simply accepts that people do what they want to do and I just do what I want to do. I don't feel the need to tell everyone that something is right or wrong, over and over and over again. There is a huge difference between making people feel bad and educating them. Why is this such a difficult concept to understand? it frustrates me. I'm not learning from you when you're making feel like a bad person. I'm actually less inclined to give a damn about what your talking about if you do it in an aggressive way. You catch more flies with honey and all that jazz.

Telling these people is even worse. Have you ever tried to tell someone that they are bothering you with their never ending opinion? It doesn't end well. Ever.

Now I know that I'm opinionated. I also know that people are going to accuse me of being a hypocrite. The fact is, I don't care if people agree with me. You might read this and think 'Yep! She's so right' or maybe you'll think 'She's an idiot'. The point is that I'm going to say this once, on my personal blog that's dedicated to expressing my opinion and then I'm going to let it go.

I think today is just one of 'those' days. You know the ones, they just make you want to scream at people and perpetuate your feelings of dislike of certain individuals.

Where have I heard that before?

Life, you're a little much sometimes.

Today I cried for the first time in months. It was a million little things that suddenly became overwhelming all at the same time.

The past few months have been a little average and the last few weeks in particular have been busy and at times very stressful.

I've got a bit of a track record when it comes to stress and the consequences are always the same. So I'm feeling a bit down at the moment and that tends to lead to over thinking and a self defeatist attitude.

Unfortunately today I reached my breaking point.

Right now I'm sitting in a cafe having a white hot chocolate and thinking about how im going to write about the current workings of my mind. I'm here because I know if I'm at home the sound of silence will make things worse.

Aside from thinking about what I'm writing here, I'm also thinking about all the times I've said stupid things. All the words that have come out of my mouth that I wish I could take back and also the thoughts of the people I've said them to.  Do they think I'm weird? Are they avoiding me? Is my mouth the reason so many people dislike me? Maybe I shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to stop talking, but I am going to limit the words that come out of my mouth for a while. Even words meant with best intentions can hurt and I don't want to be the one saying those things anymore.

I've also been struggling with infertility again. I can't help but think that maybe it's a good thing that I'm not a mother because who would want one like me? I quickly try and nip that feeling in the bud but it doesn't stop it from entering my mind all the time. Even now, writing it in this post the thought has made me tear up. Maybe I'm not enough just yet? If it's true that babies pick their parents then maybe none of them want me? I need to get better. I want to be wanted.

I have been keeping everything inside because I don't want to unload my crap on others. I've found that while I have friends, they are all at different points in their lives and busy with their own things. Unfortunately that's a bit of a catch 22 because now I just feel disconnected and a little left behind.

I don't know what it all means right now and I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make myself feel ok. What I do know is that this is just a day of weakness. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I know that that I need to push forward and leave today behind me.

The morning after

I did it! 5km in 1 hour! We stopped to dance at each station, linked arms and skipped, cheered on the other teams and even had ego boost pit stops where we boosted eachother up! Go Rainbow Unicorns Go!

7 of the 10 Rainbow Unicorn team members!

Was it enjoyable? Yes! Would I do it again? No!

Alright, it was a wonderful night and we had heaps of fun but all the profit went to multinational sporting giant Puma. There were easily a thousand people and at $50 a pop, they made a wopping $50k! They do this in every capital city and its worked by volunteers. They own the equiptment and take it from state to state and also have 4 major sponsors. For an event that is supposed to promote fun and fitness, they provided only unheathy food options. Nothing says fitness like pancakes or waffles before a race and hot chips and burgers after.

If it was for charity I would do it again for sure, but to support a company with a multi billion dollar net worth - no thanks!

On the plus side, It was fun and the volunteers were fantastic at keeping everyone motivated. The whole event had a positive and happy feel to it and was generally a great atmosphere to be surrounded in.

This morning I'm feeling a little sore. My back is really sore, my feet hurt when I stand up and I think I've done some damage to my left foot. Ouch!

My ouch face

Aside from the recovery of yesterdays race, I'm also dealing with a husband who is attempting to recover data from our server that died at 3am. Both the main hard drive and the back up drive went bust! All my photos and documents were stored on it so I'm hoping he can recover them because otherwise it's all gone forever. All our music, movies, tv shows and media will have to be all manually put back on one cd at a time if he can't fix it.

Me and my first world problems.

Glow Steph Glow!

Tomorrow night a group of 10 people from work are participating in the Puma Glow Run. I am one of those lucky 10!

It's safe to say that I wasnt as keen as I could have been when I was asked to participate, so you can imagine how great I felt when I found out I'd been signed up while I was away and then asked to pay the money.

It took me a few weeks to get pumped up before I started training for it. Now by training I actually mean that I walked 5km one afternoon and thought "easy, I've got this". So now I'm sitting here the night before incredibly nervous and regretting the times I should have got off my butt and actually tried harder to prepare.

Nerves aside, I'm actually really excited. I really just want to go tomorrow with a positive attitude and just smash it!

I can do this. I'm sure I can... At the very least I have to try!

Why nightmares?

For the past 6 nights I've had horrible dreams ranging from 4 to 6 hours in length. Each morning I wake up scared,confused and upset.

My dreams have ranged from witnessing a murderous rampage as a bystander to attending a dry run funeral for a famous tv star whos wake ended up not having dessert due to an incompetent chef.

The most vivid nightmare was last night. I dreamed of my grandfather (he passed a way a few years ago) and he was so excited to see me. I was told that his old house was my parents neighbours house (they never lived there in reality) and the neighbours had a few items of clothing in the walls that belonged to him which they said I could have - I passed.

The worst part is the way I wake from these dreams. Some are semiconcious normal wake-up where I gently stir and wake. Others are like just opening my eyes with no transitional feeling, always makes me wonder if I've actually woken up or if it's still a dream.

It's about time I call the doctor I think. I'm not sure what he can do to help exactly, but I'm afraid that he'll just prescribe sleeping tablets and then I'll still have nightmares but they'll be harder to wake from.

Now, to try and go back to sleep or not? That is the question...

Image sourced via google

Marriage - 2 years in!

Today is day 1 of our third year of marriage.

2 years ago yesterday, I married my best friend of 6.5 years! We've now been together 8.5 years (how time flys!) and we're only just starting to sort our lives out now.

We had a beautiful wedding, it had an orange and purple colour theme and we tried to keep it young and fresh whilst also keeping an elegant and traditional feel. We got married in my family church and had our reception at a local reception venue which also happened to be a renovated and repurposed church.

We had our photos in the CBD of our town. Our town has a lot of history and while it has had a number of upgrades, there are a lot of character features that we thought would be perfect. Some of the locations no longer exist due to development but we think that kind of makes them special.

A few little things went wrong prior to the wedding, including my sister dislocating her knee and ending up on crutches, my family fighting over who was going to attend because not all our relatives get along and a number of guests being unable to attend last minute, even though we had already paid for them! All seemed like such big deals at the time but now I just look back and laugh. 

My half sister gave me the best piece of advice, I have passed in on a few times and I will never forget it... 

"Don't worry about all the little things, if things don't go exactly to plan it doesn't matter. Your guest don't know how it was supposed to be, so they will simply enjoy themselves if you enjoy yourself". - Megan

It was a beautiful day, but marrying young (I was 21) was a challenge. I was only just starting to really figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was in a contract job, we were living with my parents and I was so excited about the wedding, that I gave very little thought to the married life that was to follow.

I woke up the day after our wedding, walked onto the balcony and just burst into tears. My husband was asleep in the hotel room behind me and instead of being happy and wrapped up in the fuzzy feelings I expected as a newlywed, I was crying my eyes out.

Why?

I left our wedding feeling over the moon, simply elated! Even the awful Robbie Williams music in the limo didn't dampen my spirit. I was just totally and utterly overwhelmed with happiness that I was now married and that my best friend was now my husband. I was on top of the world! 

We checked into our hotel, went up to the room and ordered room service (We were starving!) and then just got into our PJ's and watched TV. The whole day was exhausting and we both just wanted to eat and go to sleep. 

Once Phil fell asleep, I started to feel sick. Over the next few hours I ended up having a massive panic attack that nearly ended up with a trip to the hospital. The whole overwhelming experience of planning a wedding had finally caught up with me and I really struggled with the fact that it was now officially over. I ended up calming myself down and then attempted to get a few hours sleep. It was 6am and I ran to the balcony to cry so I didn't wake up my new husband. I felt like a fool. I questioned myself and wondered if I'd made the right decision. The same thought swam through me head - Had I married for love or to have a wedding?

Needless to say, the first few days of our honeymoon were spent in our hotel room, me crying my eyes out and him wondering what on earth was so bad about our hotel room. I couldn't tell him what was going on. I wouldn't tell him.

A week later my friend got married. At the wedding I had a chance to catch up with some school friends and my bridesmaids and I quickly realised how silly I had been. In 20 minutes they'd really helped me understand what I was feeling. It wasn't that I made a mistake, it's that I took on everything and tried to do it all myself. I'd devoted almost 2 years of my life to planning this wedding and I was mourning the loss. It made so much sense when they said it. 

It made me think about how I would have done things differently and the kind of support person that I want to be when/if I'm asked to be part of a friends wedding.

My sister is now getting married in 2 years and I'm trying to make a real effort to make sure I'm involved and helpful without being over bearing. It's hard to find a balance between helpful and taking over sometimes though. I just don't want her to feel how I felt. It was really hard and it was not the ideal way to start a marriage.

So as a woman that has been married for 2 years, I have 3 pieces of advice;

1. Seek assistance with the wedding and don't let it get so overwhelming that it creates a memory that you'll regret years later.

2. "Don't worry about all the little things, if everything doesn't go exactly to plan it doesn't matter. Your guest don't know how it was supposed to be, so they will simply enjoy themselves if you enjoy yourself". - Megan

3. It's ok to want to talk to your girlfriends about serious things, but it's really important to keep the communication with your husband open and honest. If you can't communicate with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you probably shouldn't be marrying them! 

So that was my experience. Looking back now I know that I made the right decision. There are good times and bad times but I know everything will work out. As much as I dislike him some days, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

The other side of happy

It's easy to say that happiness is a choice. I've written before about how I choose to be happy and the beliefs & thoughts I have relating to happiness.

So what happens when the thoughts and feelings that you choose to ignore, start to build up? What happens when time alone is not enough to move on?

I find that my will to choose to be happy starts to waiver occasionally and when this happens I'm consumed with thoughts of how different my life could be. Sometimes when we choose to be happy, we also choose to forgo opportunity. 

Hindsight is an evil mistress who tempts the mind with a life unknown. 

Sometimes I wish my life was different, that I made better decisions and that I could go back and change some of the paths I embarked on when I was younger. 

It's never a good idea to dwell on what-ifs, there is no use in regretting things you're now unable to change. It isn't wise to mourn what isn't, when you could be celebrating what is.

When I feel I need to refocus and recharge, I do 1 of 2 things - I sit in the sunshine, listening to the sounds of nature. The wind in the trees, the birds in the sky and the leaves rusting on the grass. Or I find songs that relate to what I'm thinking about and I listen to the lyrics and remind myself that it's not just me who goes through these experiences, there are billions of people on this earth.

When its serious and these things don't work, I go to the beach. The sounds of the waves, the seagulls and the wind are instantly relaxing. The sun of my face and the sand under my toes makes me feel alive again.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is be alone. After all, the only person who's ever going to be there no matter what, is you. You are your own best friend and the person you can most rely on.

I'm writing this post as I watch the sun set on another beautiful day.

Bloggers Block - Lets play a game

I'm stuck. I don't know what to write for you today.

I have an idea about how to overcome this form of writers block, so lets see how we go.

I think I should type as though you were here right now. If you were looking at me, it would be just a tad awkward for me to stare at you for 20 minutes and then walk off frustrated. It doesn't happen in real life so it shouldn't happen online.

Let me set the scene - I'm currently sitting in bed listening and singing along to This is what it feels like by Armin Van Burren. This is by far one of the most catchy songs I've listened to in a while. I really love the sound of his voice, it's deep with a hint of an accent. Wait.. wait.. the best bit is coming up 'AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M ALIVE, WITHOUT YOU NOW, THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE' - *air-drum solo*... Love this song.

Alright, I was wrong. That's not working for me. I'm really just describing what I'm doing right now and if I'm honest, I wouldn't be doing this if you were here... it's more of a rock out on my own kind of thing.

How about we play a game instead?

10 Random things about me. 

Twist - 8 are true, 2 are false! Can you guess which of these are lies?

1. I am ambidextrous.
2. My favourite meal is Eggs Benedict.
3. I enjoy hand sewing (Embroidery, Cross Stitch etc.)
4. I love Pink Grapefruit scented items but really dislike the fruit itself.
5. I have been unwell for over a year and a half without definitive diagnosis.
6. I hate plain M&M's unless they form part of a Mix Ups packet.
7. My favourite song is Electric Blue by Icehouse.
8. I love reading Sci-fi novels.
9. I hated black pepper until exactly 3 months ago.
10. My favourite flowers are Dendrobium Orchids.

Comment below with your guesses!

Image sourced via Google.

Cricket by request

"Aunty Steph, why has Australian cricket lost its way?" - Rik

Well, lets start with the Australia Vs England match last week that was an absolute shocker! The umpire was completely ridiculous and it was obvious to everyone that there were rays of sunshine between the bat and the wickets! The decision should have been overturned, it was simply disgusting.

I had you going for a moment there didn't I? Even if I didn't, it's clear that I know little to nothing about cricket let alone why Australian cricket has lost its way. My knowledge of cricket is as follow;

Cricket originated in England with the longest game lasting a total of 14 days. Don Bradman was one of the most famous Australian cricketers and my TV is never available on Boxing day. That's about it. A whole 32 words.

It's safe to say that sport isn't exactly my forte, although I'd like to think that I'd probably excel at a few...  Three-legged racing? or a Relaxation Marathon?... Maybe a Thumb wrestling match or the Paper Scissors Rock world championships would be more appropriate...

I wouldn't be going and making any bets just yet, I don't think I'm going to bring the gold home any time soon.

I'm not sure when Extreme Ironing will qualify as an Olympic sport, but when it does - Watch out!

I'm not sure my thumb is ready for the ring...